The Power of Identity

Being the oldest child who always excelled it was easy to over-inflate my value, and I put my worth in my achievements. Growing up, I gave undeserved power to features about myself that could be taken away at a moment's notice. In stereotypical American fashion, I believed I was special.

As I’ve aged, I’m learning how to navigate these identities without giving them more power than they deserve. I believed that my work was my worth, that I only matter when I am producing, and that by showing off my talents, I would find the love and acceptance we all seek. I struggle with investing my self-worth in my work. I always have.

I got laid off from a job back in October, and only now am I starting to understand the inner struggle I went through at that job. I became money-obsessed, in a place that was supposed to enshrine the values of tolerance, equity, and fighting for underrepresented voices. I watched my values shift to power and money, in the face of everything I believed in. I turned into someone I hated.

Once I got laid off, I lost my sense of self. Who am I, if I don’t have my work? I’ve been mulling over that question for much longer than in this previous position. During this period of rest, while I figure out my next move, I think I’m starting to get to a place of peace.

What if I approached my life with a mindset that my work is not my value? It’s not a novel idea, but especially in NYC, I see so many people working towards things that will never bring them joy. If I saw my inherent value as a human, trying his best, and that was enough, what would that look like in my career?

The word should is poison, it lets me hold myself to unreasonable standards, to a worldview that there are things that I need to be to be ok with who I am, and it’s exhausting. Instead of should, I’m approaching my life (work and otherwise) with a new mindset:

There will never be enough. There will never be enough money, power, fame, things, you name it. What I have today, I am thankful for and will treat it with respect.

I still want to finish my days knowing I made a difference for the people I interact with at work, in my personal life, and on the street but it doesn’t have to be groundbreaking, or extraordinary. My career is important to me, and that is ok. But, it matters, that I can function without a constant need to work myself down to the bone to prove my value.

I am finding that the moments I have the most peace are when I do not set expectations for them. If I show up as I am, my whole life benefits.

This period of finding my next career move will come to an end, sooner rather than later. It’s important to me though, that the way I see my work, is not soul-draining. It’s important to me that I can function without that job, without the ego that comes with it.

Where I am today is where I am meant to be.